Every effort should be made to reconnect with and re-establish loving your partner, however, if the choice is to end the relationship, efforts should be made to end it amicably. Both individuals are then able to take the gained experiences and learn from them. There are ways of making the break up easier:

1. Choose the right time and place – Choose a time and place where you have privacy to talk without interruptions.
2. Be truthful – Whatever the reasons for the break-up, be very truthful about them.
3. Be clear – It is important not to give mixed messages about getting back together in the future. Leave the future to the future!
4. Be prepared – This may come as a surprise to the other person. Be prepared for them to be shocked, upset or angry, and also give them time to express how they feel.
5. Grieve the loss – Allow some time to grieve in order to bring closure and be able to move on.
6. Get support – Ending a relationship can be very distressing, but can be easier to manage with a close family member or friend to lean on.

If you are the person on the receiving side, here are some helpful tips that can aid you through this difficult time:

1. Get support – Talk to people you trust about how you feel, whether it is family, friends or a professional advisor.
2. Grieve the loss – Allow some personal time to grieve, and this may also mean not rushing into a new relationship.
3. Do not manipulate – Do not make threats to try and make the other person stay, or try to take revenge.

The ending of a relationship is sometimes perceived as a negative, especially when using words such as “dumped” or “break up” etc. However, it can be a positive move if it takes you out of a relationship that is filled with unhappiness, dishonesty and disrespect.

Life has not ended, it has only changed. What may be seen as an ending, may in actual fact be just the beginning!

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I decided at the age of 52 to pursue study in counselling, after working in administrative roles since leaving school. That was in May 2004. The study took 2 years and 2 months to complete and I’m so happy to have accomplished the Diploma. For many years I had been unsatisfied in my administrative role, although it was well-paid with good conditions, it was also stressful, demanding, unrewarding and I suffered many migraines and disturbed sleep patterns as a consequence.

Initially I thought I wanted to gain the counselling skills and knowledge as a general interest. But as the course progressed, I began to entertain the thought that I could pursue employment with these counselling skills where my caring, empathizing qualities would be utilised. A job that would make a positive difference and contribution in other’s lives, and at the same time provide personal satisfaction and fulfillment.

Since graduating with the Diploma in July 2006 - it’s such an unbelievable feeling to accomplish and also it’s providing opportunities and changes in my life that were not possible a couple of years ago. My lack of self-confidence and deprivation of personal ambitions has now been transformed to pursuing my ideal employment. I am focusing now on developing patience and realism to make my ideal job happen.

The AIPC study has taught me to have faith, confidence and strength in myself, as well as a myriad of other skills, but these personal attributes have enabled me to leave to leave the security of my administrative position in late June 2006. Since that time I’ve been working as a Personal Carer/Support person for 4 days a week. One day a week I do volunteer work with a Child Contact Service where I take phone calls regarding child contact or supervised visits. There is also an opportunity to assist with the supervised visits, and to do emergency relief work, and foster care assistance. I enjoy this volunteer work which is providing me with a variety of excellent work experience that is invaluable. Through this agency, I have recently attended some presentations, such as Child Protection & Safety and Positive Parenting.

I now apply for jobs and constantly search the web, and am thirsty for information and any courses that further my skills with counselling or support work. I now feel confident that with my AIPC Diploma qualification, community work, and volunteer work, I will be successful with my job search. Recently I have had two interviews with a job placement agency for disabled persons and a community agency. Whenever I have mentioned the. AIPC Diploma qualification, I have received a positive reaction and recognition of this study.

Rob Carrigan seems to have endless compassion, time and understanding for people like myself, and has been very helpful and inspirational throughout my units of study, and even now that I’ve graduated, continues the support and assistance. Also other staff at AIPC have been continually supportive, and responsive to all of my requests over the 2 years of study.

I would encourage you to keep trying, don’t give up as it’s well worth the effort. Each unit you finish is another step to achieving your goal, and I wish you all the best.

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Category: Stress Issues
Author: Leanne Tamplin

Brett is a 36 year old man who works as an accountant for a small family business. The business is failing and Brett will probably have to begin the process of “winding it up” in the near future. His commitment to the business and his friends, the business owners, has intensified the level of stress he is feeling as a result of the business collapse. He has taken a week off work on sick leave and feels too “stressed” to return to work.

In this scenario, the professional counsellor uses a Person-Centred/CBT approach. For ease of writing, the Professional Counsellor is abbreviated to “C”.

Background

Melinda, Brett’s wife, contacted C because she was greatly concerned for her husband. She was worried that Brett was depressed as he was refusing to go to work. She stated that he had agreed to attend counselling if she organised an appointment, however he did not think it would help him.

Brett had worked as an accountant in small businesses for the last twelve years. About eight years ago he was working with another business that required him to close it down. He described that experience as extremely distressful. He felt that the process had involved a loss of loyalty from organisations associated with the business and that he saw this as a “personal attack” against him. He also felt he had been exposed to people who would do everything they could to get as much as possible from a “crumbling company”.

Brett reported the following symptoms: decreased motivation particularly in relation to his work, unusual outbursts of anger, anxiety whenever he thinks about his work or attends his workplace, and difficulty sleeping. He stated that these symptoms commenced when he realised that the business he was working for might begin to fold and have increased to the point that he is finding it difficult to complete his usual tasks and “doesn’t want to do anything”.

Brett attended four appointments with C over a ten week period.

Session Details

In the first session, Brett reported that he felt he was “depressed” (using his own understanding of the term). He stated that the depression began as the retail business he was working for started deteriorating. He also described feeling depressed in the past on about 4 or 5 other occasions when he had experienced significantly negative events in his life.

One of these events was that while he was working for a printing firm six years ago, it began to fold and he was required to do the work to “wind it up”. During that time he felt betrayed by people he had trusted and he felt “conned” and tricked by many “colleagues”, and as a result, he had felt like a failure. He stated that he was now experiencing an extreme fear of having to go through the same experience again.

Brett described working at least a sixty hour week every week and that his whole life revolved around his work, in fact, he had not had a holiday for at least four years. He said that he measured his success in life by the quality and quantity of his work rather than by any other measure, including the income he earned. He talked about how his family of origin had in the past told him to work elsewhere, as he would earn a lot more money. Brett knew that they were right, but he preferred to be involved in the development of a small company, and money was not very important to him.

Brett reported that he felt “a bit silly” having such a big psychological reaction to something that he thought should not affect him at all. C identified his symptoms as a burnout-type of reaction and gave Brett some information, including the causes and symptoms of burnout, to take home and read. C identified the seriousness of the events that had lead to his level of stress and normalised Brett’s reaction. Additionally, C reality-checked Brett’s feeling of ‘failure’ and his high level of concern for not letting his friends, the business owners, down.

To manage the current level of stress that Brett was experiencing, C recommended he continue his temporary respite from work (Brett had stated that he would not be able to cope with returning to work) and that he implement some relaxation strategies. The strategies included:

1. regular exercise (Brett had explained that he liked to walk regularly but had not done so for some time)
2. doing things that he enjoys and things that he finds relaxing
3. use of a relaxation tape each evening (provided by C)

Brett was very concerned about what he should do about his return to work. He said that he did not feel that he could go back. C suggested that he try not to think about the decision concerning his return to work until our next appointment in two weeks, at which time we would work out what his strategy would be. Instead, he should focus the next two weeks on relaxation and self-care. C encouraged Brett to keep any return to his workplace to very brief periods over the next two weeks, and to use his relaxation tape before and during that time if necessary.

In the following session, Brett reported that he felt “more relaxed”, although he continued to feel unmotivated to return to work. He described walking regularly and avoiding worrying too much about work. He also said that he had gone into work for two brief periods during the two weeks and had experienced a high level of stress and frustration when he did, although he reported some comfort from the use of the relaxation tape. This experience reinforced to him that he was unable to return to work in his previous capacity. C used a four step decision-making model to assist Brett to come to a decision about his work.

Step One: What is the problem?

1. Brett is extremely stressed when he considers returning to work and does not think he can do it.
2. He does not want to let his friends, the business owners down.
3. He wants to fight through his anxiety (not be a coward) and return to work

Step Two: What are the options and what are the relevant issues associated with each one?

1. Resigning from his work - he would feel that he let the owners down and that he might ‘run away’ at the next sign of stress he experiences.
2. Remaining in the position as he was before his recent leave - he felt he could not cope in this scenario.
3. A balance between the two previous options: sharing the position’s responsibilities with a colleague, delegating the tasks that he finds most stressful, and working from home as much as possible.

Step Three: What is the best option?

The third option, to take back the work on a different basis.

Step Four: What do you need to do to implement the best option (include possible contingency plans)?

1. To continue with leave from work for the next two weeks with only a minimal work involvement.
2. To gradually increase his workload particularly on a work-from-home basis, and to continue to use relaxation strategies when needed to assist this process.
3. Balance his life better, that is, focus on other things as indicative of success, including:
1. good relationships with wife and family
2. improved health
3. developing hobbies
4. taking enjoyable holidays

C suggested that Brett develop a written plan for managing and balancing all the aspects of his life (relaxation, enjoyment, hobbies, family relationships, and work) that would be reviewed at the next appointment.

In the third session, Brett explained that he had taken a holiday for a week with his wife and had returned “refreshed” and with new insights into his life. He also stated that his stress continued to reduce. He described a “new conviction” to balance his life more.

C and Brett reviewed his gradual plan for return to work on a work-from-home basis and his delegation of tasks to other employees. Brett had also decided to undertake this plan for another month and then review it again to see if his decision had changed. At that point, he felt he might be able to return to the workplace full-time, or he might decide to resign from his position and move to another area to start again. He said that he realised that when he has no clear direction and feels out of control, he gets very stressed.

He described these things as the triggers for the stress he has felt in this situation and similar situations in the past. He therefore decided to ensure that he always has a sense of direction and control in the whole of his life by taking the focus away from work. C supported and encouraged his continued self-reflection and determination.

One month later, Brett attended a fourth and final appointment. Brett described the stress as almost completely gone. He was working half the time at home and the other half at the workplace, and the business owners were happy with his return. However, Brett had also decided to move to a more rural area in three months and continue to work in the position predominantly from home.

This move is based on his decision to balance his life more and he was excited about his family’s plans. He had commenced playing a sport with friends one night a week and was walking regularly. He stated that he had realised it would take some time to change his measure of success/failure, however, he would continue to address it.

Key Concepts of Person-Centred/Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy Applied

1. Developing a positive therapeutic relationship using unconditional positive regard and empathy.
2. The assumption that, given the right environment, the client will strive towards self-improvement and self-actualisation.
3. Providing education on burnout and managing symptoms.
4. Reducing the overwhelming nature of the problem by identifying it specifically. This made the problem something that could be addressed more readily.
5. Normalising the client’s reactions and behaviours.
6. Implementing a problem-solving/decision-making model.
7. Application of relaxation techniques.
8. Reducing sources of stress by prioritising them and delegating them where possible.
9. Gradual exposure to the stressor (return to work).
10. Reality-checked cognition’s (letting friends down, being a failure).
11. Fostered insight into key issues and their possible causes.

Related Case Studies: A Case of Using Logical Consequences, A Case of Low Self Esteem, A Case of Stress

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A divorce, separation or, in general, any loss of an important relationship is a painful experience. Such pain can seriously diminish our peace and happiness. We can, however, use this inner discomfort for our spiritual benefit. If we are thinking of separating, there are many lessons we need to examine before we can come to the conclusion that we must separate from someone. But if the other leaves us, or if this separation has already happened, we might be able to benefit from the following.

Robert Najemy, author, lecturer and founder of the Centre for Harmonious Living suggests that our first lesson is to examine our behaviour to see how we might have contributed to the problem. Only in this way can we create a new, healthy relationship if we choose to.

1. We may have been seeking constant affirmation in ways that may have been tiring for the other.
2. We may have been over-critical, complaining, rejecting or otherwise causing the other to feel unaccepted.
3. Our fears may have been causing us to be over sensitive and annoying.
4. Perhaps we were playing games of power, who is right or who is more successful.
5. We might have been playing roles such as the child, the parent, the saviour, the holy one, the rebel, the teacher or some other role which may have affected the other’s behaviour.
6. We may have guilt feelings that were making us vulnerable to the other’s words or behaviours.
7. Perhaps we were not communicating our needs clearly and effectively as an adult.
   We may have been projecting onto the other our childhood or other experiences.
   The other might have been reflecting back to us our lack of self-esteem or self-respect.
8. We may have attachments that were coming between us.
9. We may have inner conflicts, which were reflecting back to us from the other.

Regardless of whether we stay with that person or not, we may need to learn to love the other in spite of his or her behaviour. Happiness, security and love are internal states that are always within us, if only we allow ourselves to experience them.

We can use this opportunity to develop greater inner strength so as to feel confident and able to face whatever may come to us in the game of life. Most of us will need to change our self-image. We need now to learn to accept, love and respect ourselves more, so that we do not create the same problem in our next relationship or in life in general.

The lessons to be addressed are separated into five categories:

1. Learn to communicate more effectively, assertively and lovingly.
2. Let go of some attachments, which are increasing our conflicts with others and diminishing our happiness.
3. Examine our behaviours that might be annoying the other.
4. Free ourselves from subconscious programming, which limit our self-esteem and ability to attract the behaviours that we deserve.
5. Develop inner feelings of security, self worth and freedom. Once our happiness, security and love have become internalised, we can experience unconditional love.

Although we need to make every possible step to heal our relationships, if and when a relationship breaks down, there is still much we can learn.

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“Our destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.” Henry Miller

If you have made the choice to work at the relationship, even though it appears to be breaking down at the moment, it is important to make communication your top priority. Setting goals in all areas of your lives may help to identify where your journeys have diverged and may be a starting point for reconnection.

In order for a relationship to be fruitful and satisfying, those involved in it must set clear goals. Most people go into relationships with a vague idea of what they want out of it. When pressed, they often are unable to specify their goals for the relationship. This is a great area to look at if your relationship is nearing breaking point but both parties wish to try to save it.

Goals can be stated or written, but they should be agreed upon by the partners at the beginning of the relationship, or in this case, at the beginning of the repair of the relationship. Goals sometimes are documented in a behavioural contract format and signed by both partners similar to the above exercise of healing your relationship.

The goals stated should be only those on which both partners agree and can claim ownership. The relationship goal contract should be kept in a safe place and reviewed annually. During the annual review the goals can be modified, and the objectives to be achieved for the next year can be identified. Relationship goals should be long range, but they should be general enough to give the partners latitude. Annual objectives based on these goals can be more specific and short term, motivating the partners to successfully achieving them within the year.

Relationship goals should be developed to cover key issues involved in the relationship, but they can cover any area of human behaviour.

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