Obstacles to Creating Relationship Healing
Even if you have a desire to create a healing environment, you or the others in the environment may be unable to do so because of an inability to forgive and forget or an unwillingness to accept personal responsibility or to accept the consequences for one’s actions. An unwillingness to admit to personal mistakes, failures, faults, or errors can create misunderstandings, arguments and often feelings of anger or helplessness.
An inability to let go of anger and hostility over past hurts and pain creates an atmosphere of fear of backsliding, of being hurt again, of being taken advantage of and/or losing more in the long run. An inability to understand the need for forgiveness and forgetting, or being unwilling to do so, creates confusion over what is going on and causes inability to see the changes taking place.
It may also include:
- A lack of creative thinking skills to deal with the problems, looking at each issue objectively
- An unwillingness to accept apologies and the admission of wrongdoing by others
- A stubborn holding to the idea that “my way of doing things and no other way will do”
- Name calling, belittling, ignoring, condemning and harassing of others
- A lack of belief in the other’s generosity, good will, and offers of cooperation;
- A lack of trust
- Severe depression or other mental health problems so debilitating that participation in a healthy give and take is impossible
- An inability to accept that your relationship is not a fantasy and is not the way you think it “should” be
- A lack of belief in one’s ability to meet the challenge to change and grow ear of taking a risk or of accepting change
- Fear of failure or fear of success preferring to be a martyr rather than a healer, a caretaker rather than a nurturer
- A lack of communications skills, i.e., inability to:
– Listen to feelings
– Respond to others at a feelings level
– Read the nonverbal communications of others
– Solve problems verbally
Surpassing these obstacles is a great challenge to many individuals engaged in a relationship. We’d definitely like to know what our readers have to say about their own personal experiences in relationship healing.
What aspect of this post did you find the most challenging in your own relationship? What else can you add to this discussion? Let us know what your thoughts are ? write a comment!
“fear of failure or fear of success preferring to be a martyr rather than a healer, a caretaker rather than a nurturer ”
This is the hardest part for me, fear of failure. We were in a rut, something my boyfriend identified initially, but that i agree with. We were displaying some of the warning signs mentioned in one of the articles. He pointed out some things that were wrong with our relationship, and the things he would like to change, all valid points. However i am now anxious about whether or not i can live up to this, i am scared that if i can’t make those changes straight away, and in exactly the right way, he will leave me. I have adhd and anxiety disorder, so i crave familiarity and routine and this has completely turned one of the most solid things in my life upside down.
I think the fact is that you’ve acknowledged this difficulty and that is a huge step.
Perhaps you and your boyfriend need further discussion around the ways and when you can implement the changes needed in your relationship. Remember also it’s a two-way street. What things will he do to also help and nurture YOU? What does he need to change?
I am currently trying to find my way through a murky and difficult ending to something I wanted very desperately but after six months of breaking my heart on my partners indifference I have had to end it, I am not an expert on boundaries but I am beginning to recognise what I need to be healthy and supported in a relationship.
Good luck Rebecca, I hope it works out for you!