INTIMACY! Ok, now that we have your attention . . . let’s\ntry another cue: SPIRITUALITY! And now, we’d like to know: what was the\ndifference in your reaction to the two words? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For many, intimacy conjures up juicy images of sexual trysts with the mythically perfect lover: one who attends to our every need while having none of their own: the perfectly accommodating partner who blends with our every sensual impulse to create a blissful togetherness. Notions of spirituality, meanwhile, are often iconically depicted as the lone meditating figure in lotus posture: the hermit questing for divine ecstasy in a solitary and impossibly disciplined journey that could not be further from the sensual pleasure of intimacy. Yet as we will see in this post, both images short-change their respective words through an incomplete and therefore misleading representation of their connection to us, the human beings engaging them, and to each other. This post explores how the two notions may be related and attempts a user-friendly explanation to help us show clients why nurturing one nourishes the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At the heart of the conundrum of how we regard, and engage\nwith, both intimacy and spirituality is the universal human longing for\nconnection: that is, a yearning to be intimately related to something that is\nlarger than our individual selves. One stream of thought that responds to that\nquest is transpersonal psychology, which we could refer to as the study of the\npsyche (meaning, the consciousness larger than the conscious mind) that goes\nbeyond the individual ego. In fact, the “trans” of transpersonal indicates movement\nnot just beyond<\/em> (which would be\n“meta-personal”), but going across<\/em>;\ntranspersonal studies go across individual human beings to find the unity that\nconnects them all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That may sound very much like it falls on the spiritual side\nas opposed to the “intimacy” aspect, but consider this: early use of the word\n“intimacy” — widely regarded now as a sexual or physical experience — was seen\nin Zen literature as a synonym for the breakthrough of realisation or\nenlightenment. So to be intimate to the ancient Zen masters was to be “one\nwith” (i.e., the apex of a spiritual phenomenon). To not be intimate was to be\nin one’s head (Amodeo, 2017). <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dr Charlotte Kasl, professional licenced counsellor, healer,\nand author, notes that sexuality and spirituality are closely intertwined. Grounding\nour sexuality in a loving, intimate relationship with another person can\nenhance our capacity to connect with “the vastness and wonder of the universe”\n(Kasl, 2012). Separated from that intimate relationship, sex descends into a\nnegative, empty experience that does not satisfy us for long. Conversely, the\ndeeper desire for a sense of oneness with the universe can manifest as the\ndesire for sexual union and ecstasy. We can get a glimpse of that ecstasy of\nspiritual fulfillment in a superb sexual experience, but sex alone cannot give\nus the lasting fulfilment our psyches (souls) crave (Kasl, 2012). <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sexuality and spirituality, notes Kasl, are both deeply\npersonal and connected to our life force energy. Or put another way, the\nsoulful yearning for intimacy arises from the very same impulse that moves us\ntoward spiritual life. Thus, spirituality is not about ideas in our head. Rather,\nit is about coming into direct contact with what Dr John Amodeo calls “the\nquiet pulse of life that flows through us and between us”. Spirituality, he\nsays, is “being intimate with the life that flows within us and outside of us”\n(Amodeo, 2017). Thus, if being intimate means going receptive to the life that\nhappens between us, intimate relationships are transpersonal by their very\nnature. The comment of philosopher Martin Buber is insightful here. He wrote\nthat, “When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is\nthe electricity that surges between them” (Buber, in Amodeo, 2107). <\/p>\n\n\n\n Even more simply, intimacy has been described as yoga\n(meaning, “union”) with the present moment: a state of receptiveness which is\ndeeply intimate by its very nature, yet in its opening of awareness, also makes\navailable all levels of deep connection, which we might tend to regard as\n“spiritual”. And the very best part of this way of viewing intimacy and\nspirituality is that the path from the one to the other does not require\nanother cooperating human being. Rather, it is our own mindful presence in\nevery moment of life which kick-starts the sublime process of\nintimacy-leading-to-spirituality (Spiritual Awakening Process, 2011). <\/p>\n\n\n\n We might ask: if genuine intimacy leads to spirituality (or possibly\nvice versa), what does it mean to have true intimacy? What sorts of relational\nprocesses are involved in it? For many people, the first response that springs\nto mind is probably the physical intimacy of a primary relationship. And there\nis more. Quoting a definition of it as “a process whereby we feel truly seen,\nknown by and connected to our partner” (Kogan, in Tartakovsky, 2014), Margaret\nTartakovsky delineates five types of intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Predictably, this level of intimacy is included as the sense\nthat we can talk to our partner about our innermost thoughts; both pain and joy\ncan be shared. Truly understanding the partner, being able to be vulnerable,\nand sharing feelings is key to emotional intimacy. Many issues can preclude it:\nthings such as anxiety, depression, ongoing stress, or even a partner’s habits,\nsuch as drinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we exchange ideas and opinions about things we think\nand care about or about interests, or when we share thoughts on life in\ngeneral, we are going for intellectual intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tartakovsky is quick to point out that physical intimacy\ndoes not necessarily mean sex. It could be the act of being physically\naffectionate with one another: hugging, cuddling, and holding hands are all\nexamples of this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharing experiences — that is, without electronic gadgets to\ndistract us! — constitutes this sort of intimacy. It could include anything\nfrom a walk on the beach to sitting in a garden to sky diving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n From worshipping together as a couple to hand-in-hand walks\nin nature, this level of intimacy is about creating awe-inspiring moments\ntogether (Tartakovsky, 2014). <\/p>\n\n\n\n The idea is that feeling disconnected from our partner in\nany of these areas is a signal that we need to talk (and even talking about\nintimacy can build it). Through openness and honesty and a genuine desire to\n“see” and understand the other person, we can enhance the closeness that is\nfoundational to our spiritual effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kasl (2012) describes steps we can take (or encourage clients\nto take) to better experience the intertwined flow of sexual and spiritual\nenergies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We commit to knowing ourselves and our partner. We commit to\nbeing open to our feelings, to growth, and to change. Without such a\ncommitment, we might block sexual energy from flowing through us, thereby\ndissociating from part of ourselves and rendering ourselves unable to live in\nour wholeness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We commit to becoming more open, aware, and tuned in: attuned to our partner, yes, and also receptive to sublime energies such as those of love, wisdom, truth, and the sense of our own higher purpose. Taking this step has a corollary. It means that, while we might make love to our partner, we do not worship at the feet of the sex god; we acknowledge that, even in the very act of sexual intercourse, we are seeking something larger, higher. Sex — indeed, all the forms of intimacy — are\/can be delightful, pleasurable, and lovely, but they do not replace the need to seek meaning as we become ever more deeply imbued with purpose. This step takes us into greater intimacy with all of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As we go receptive to these qualities, we bring bright\nenergy to spirit, body, sexuality, and partner, says Kasl (2012). This possibly\nseems like an odd third step. Yet if we consider when we feel our most intimate\nin a partnership, we must include the delightful moments of sheer playfulness\nand unadulterated joy that spring from a sense of complete acceptance by\nanother, of safety in that Other’s company. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Coming from what is seemingly the opposite direction, there\nare texts in some religions that exhort followers to be like little children in\norder to “enter the kingdom of heaven” (see Luke: 18:17 or Mark: 10:15 in the\nNew Testament of the Bible for this reference). Those passages are often\ninterpreted to mean that spiritual seekers should be humble. It’s not too hard\nto connect the dots here. When we are humble, we don’t pretend that we know it\nall; we go in with a beginner’s mind rather than taking ourselves too\nseriously. Having lifted the weight of “expectations of expertise” off our\nshoulders, we can experience a lightness of being that is prelude to\nplayfulness, creativity, and joy. And yet the Bible’s authors urge this not of\nthose seeking an intimate human relationship, but in the context of connection\nwith the sublime, the numinous, the something-more-than: that is, for those\nseeking to increase their spirituality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We declared at the outset that we wanted to explore how\nintimacy and spirituality are related, and also find a user-friendly way to\ndescribe to clients why nurturing one helps enhance the other. Here is the\nultimately simple, user-friendly response: in reality, the energy we use to\nexplore and express sexuality and intimacy is the same energy — our vital life\nforce — that we use to explore and express our spirituality. Whether that\nenergy manifests as an ecstatic orgasm or the ecstasy of divine connection is\nup to the individual whose will is directing the energy. Here’s to joy!<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe yin and yang of the spiritual\/relational quest<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
What is involved in the quest?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Emotional intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Intellectual intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Physical intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Experiential intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Spiritual intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Three steps on the journey <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Making a commitment to oneself<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Making a commitment to attuning with the “something-more-than”<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Allowing playfulness, creativity, and joy to enter the quest for\nintimacy\/spirituality<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Summary<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
References<\/h1>\n\n\n\n