The following tips can be used with clients who are highly stressed or experiencing anger management issues. If you’re under unusual stress, you can also take benefit from strategies such as relaxation and mindful thinking. 

Everyday Demands

Everyday stressors, such as work, children and tight schedules can heighten anxiety and contribute to feeling overwhelmed. When we are stressed, we are less likely to respond in a measured and considered fashion to provoking situations, choosing instead to respond with impulsive expressions of our immediate feelings.

To avoid this result, it can help to be mindful of your schedule. Avoid taking on responsibilities or favours that you don’t have time for. Use spare time to pursue leisure and relaxation activities. Prioritise your self-care and maintain a balanced lifestyle. Of course, the achievement of these aims can be difficult when the demands on our time are so great.

Nonetheless, without paying careful attention to our lifestyle habits, we are vulnerable to the effects cumulative stress can have on our ability to manage expressions of anger. 

Thinking Only of Short-Term Gains

A confrontational or provoking situation can ignite reactions in individuals that have far-reaching and long-term effects on relationships. This often occurs during the heat-of-the-moment as tensions and anxieties blind us to the longer-term consequences. It can therefore be highly beneficial to plan, plan, plan for an anticipated encounter.

An awareness of likely triggers enables you to predict which situations are likely to be challenging or confrontational for you. Imagine, for example, that you have just received another credit card bill in the mail - you have overspent and know that your partner will not be pleased. Instead of waiting for your partner to react before formulating your response, you could spend a few moments considering how you could best respond to this likely future event.

You may, therefore, decide it is best to take accountability, to apologise and offer a commitment to lessen spending in the future. This, of course, is preferable to a response made in haste that is defensive, attacking, or derogatory.

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Intimacy is one of the main ingredients of a successful, ‘ideal’ relationship along with passion and commitment (Hanna, 1991). Intimacy is a journey – it is not a tangible thing. It takes place over time, is ever-changing and is not stagnant. In fact, any kind of stagnation in a relationship may damage intimacy.

It is important in the counselling process to have an understanding of how intimacy develops in a relationship as well as some of the factors that could potentially be harmful to the development of it. The following factors will be discussed in relation to the development of intimacy including:

1. Conditions that make it more likely to develop
2. Gender differences
3. Individual differences

Conditions for the development of intimacy

There are a number of conditions that are more beneficial to the healthy development of intimacy in a relationship. Intimacy requires time to develop as well as dedication and is a challenging task to not only develop intimacy but to maintain it. Another condition is trust; trust is required to allow each person in the relationship to feel comfortable to self-disclose and be vulnerable with each other (Brown & Brown, 1995).

Trust is defined as the “reliability, fairness, and faith” one has in his or her partner and without a certain level of trust the likelihood of intimate interactions is lessened (Prager, 1995).

Affection is another condition that goes hand in hand with intimacy as there should be a certain amount of positive feelings between the couple for the want or need of intimacy to be present (Prager, 1995). Cohesiveness is another factor that is generally required for intimacy in a relationship.

Cohesiveness refers to the sharing of time and activities in a relationship and for intimacy to occur spending time together is required (Prager). Finally, commitment between the couple is also a condition in which intimacy is more likely to occur (“Intimacy”, 1993).

Gender differences

Intimacy is generally viewed differently by males and females in relationships and this may impact on the development of it in a relationship due to the differing expectations (Brown & Brown, 1995; Prager, 1995). Women are more likely to view emotional intimacy in a relationship as more important whereas men tend to favour sexual intimacy and experiential intimacy.

Women have a heightened propensity to initiate verbal conversations about their feelings than men as well as being more likely to express when their intimacy needs are not being met. Men are more likely to look at how to resolve a problem rather than talk through their feelings about it (Brown & Brown).

Some research has also suggested that men may be less intimate in their relationships due to defining themselves in terms of autonomy and not requiring the level of emotional intimacy that women do (Heller & Wood, 1998). This may be due to the way in which the genders are socialised from a young age.

For example, in the past, men have been taught to be assertive, autonomous, self-confident and to not express intimate feelings. Women on the other hand are taught to maintain the emotional aspects of family life thus enhancing their expression of intimacy (Mackey, Diemer, & O’Brien, 2000).

Individual differences

Individual differences in the relationship may also impact on the development of intimacy. Individual differences include culture, economic and social status, childhood development, and personality factors.

Although the research on intimacy and cultural differences is limited, there is a substantial amount of information on cultural differences that impacts on the functioning of the relationship which could potentially impact on intimacy. The major theme in the literature is that cultural variations lead to differences in expectations and attitudes about relationships (Brown & Brown, 2002).

For example, some cultures may be more likely to discuss and analyse a problem in the relationship whereas others may not be as willing to do this. Due to this type of influence being ingrained from a young age, issues in intimacy may arise if one partner is willing to open up and the other is not.

There may also be differences in gender roles (as previously discussed under gender differences) as well as the relationship with other family members. For example, some cultures are heavily involved in each others lives and as such may “intervene” in a couple’s relationship rather than allowing them to talk to each other about what is happening and resolve the problem on their own (Brown & Brown).

Economic and social status may also have an impact on intimacy in a relationship. One reason for this is when a couple decide to share finances, the couple may have differences in opinion in how they want to spend money. For example, one person in the couple may want to spend the money whereas the other may want to save (Hanna, 1991).

Childhood Development has also been linked to the development of intimacy in relationships. As individuals develop in childhood, they experience intimate relationships with the people around them. This develops ways of behaving in interactions and relationships and may be transferred to intimate relationships later on in life (Prager, 1995).

Personality has also been linked to the level of intimacy developed in a relationship. People that are shy, anxious in social situations, have poor social skills and/or have difficulty trusting people have more trouble forming intimate relationships. Other traits affect the deepening of relationships such as those that use self-monitoring behaviour. There are personality traits that impact the likelihood of an ongoing intimate relationship.

Traits such as self-consciousness increase the level of intimate disclosures therefore increase the ongoing nature of the intimate relationship. Other traits include perspective-taking capacity (ie. how well one accepts another’s perspective), neuroticism, openness to experience, empathy, intimacy motivation, intimacy capacity, and self-esteem also impact on intimacy in the relationship (Prager, 1995).

Another factor relevant to each person is the perceptions of risk by each individual. This is the risk of exposure, being rejected, losing control, or being manipulated or betrayed in intimate exchanges. If an individual perceives a high risk in intimacy, they are less likely to engage in these behaviours and therefore more likely to have lower-quality relationships (Brunell, Pilkington & Webster, 2007).

Overall, the development of intimacy in a relationship may be influenced by many aspects including conditions that make it more likely to develop such as trust and time as well as differences between genders and other individual differences such as personality and perceptions of risk.

Source: www.mentalhealthacademy.com.au

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While the definition of adolescent can differ from culture to culture, it is generally accepted that the time referred to as adolescence is the period between childhood and adulthood, a sort of “no man’s land.”

Geldard and Geldard (2006) explain that adolescence is a time in a young person’s life where they move from dependency on their parents to independence, autonomy and maturity. The young person begins to move from the family group being their major social system, to the family taking a lesser role and being part of a peer group becomes a greater attraction that will eventually lead to the young person to standing alone as an adult.

Adolescence is a period that extends over a substantial part of a person’s life. However, each adolescent experiences individual changes and growth at differing rates, with some moving through the adolescent phase quicker and more smoothly than others. Some adolescents have supportive families, others face this daunting period of their lives alone. Some adolescents may remain at home with their families, but their families are emotionally distant so the adolescent can feel as if they are “alone in a crowd”.

No-one can deny that for any one person facing changes in their lives in the biological, cognitive, psychological, social, moral and spiritual sense, could find this time both exciting and daunting. With the increase in independence comes increases in freedom, but with that freedom, comes responsibilities. Attitudes and perspectives change and close family members often feel they are suddenly living with a stranger.

Biological Challenges

Adolescence begins with the first well-defined maturation event called puberty. Included in the biological challenges are the changes that occur due to the release of the sexual hormones that affect emotions. Mood changes can increase, which can impact on relationships both at home with parents and siblings and socially or at school.

Cognitive Challenges

Piaget, in his theory of social development believed that adolescence is the time when young people develop cognitively from “concrete operations” to “formal operations”.  So they are able to deal with ideas, concepts and abstract theories. However, it takes time for confidence to build with using these newly acquired skills, and they may make mistakes in judgement. Learning through success and failure is part of the challenge of the learning process for the adolescent.

Adolescents are egocentric, they can become self conscious; thinking they are being watched by others, and at other times want to behave as if they were on a centre stage and perform for a non existent audience. For example, acting like a music idol, singing their favourites songs in their room, with all the accompanying dance steps.

Adolescents live in their private world where they may think they are invincible and cannot be hurt. However, this could also be because at their age, they have not had to deal with many deaths and the mortality of the human spirit is not a reality yet. This is all a part of the complex process of becoming a separate and unique individual.

Unfortunately, these beliefs can lead them to believe that no-one is capable of understanding them, or know how they are feeling. This aspect could have important implications for counsellors.

Psychological Challenges

The psychological challenges that the adolescent must cope with are moving from childhood to adulthood. A new person is emerging, where rules will change, maybe more responsibilities will be placed on him/her so that a certain standard of behaviour is now required to be maintained. Accountability is becoming an expectation from both a parental and legal concept.

During adolescence the process of individuation occurs, which involves the development of relative independence from family relationships, with the weakening ties to objects and people who were previously important to the young person, coupled by an increased capacity and societal expectation to assume a functional role as a member of adult society.

As adolescents continue their journey of self-discovery, they continually have to adjust to new experiences as well as the other changes happening to them biologically and socially. This can be both stressful and anxiety provoking. It therefore is not surprising that adolescents can have a decreased tolerance for change; hence it becomes increasingly more difficult for them to modulate their behaviours which are sometimes displayed by inappropriate mood swings and angry outbursts.

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There are hundreds of personality traits and tendencies that make a person acceptable for a successful long-term relationship. But according to relationship expert, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, there is one trait that is more important than all others. “Mastering verbal intimacy is the most important indicator of whether a person is right for you and ready for a serious relationship,” he says.

For the person who is dating and seeking a partner with whom to pursue a successful relationship, there is no more important task than determining if your current date has the ability to share themselves verbally on a deep and intimate level.

Dr. Warren emphasises “verbal” intimacy, the sharing of our deepest fears, dreads, joys, and inner experiences, as a great way to learn about the inner workings of our potential or current partners. He also shares three things which must be present for true verbal intimacy to begin and flourish.

You must know who YOU are. Many adults, and especially men, are complete strangers to themselves. When asked to describe their feelings on certain subjects, they are unable to answer, practically unable to even understand the question. This kind of numbness often starts in childhood when boys are told to “act like a man” or to “stop crying” because “you’re not hurt.”

These messages tell boys to ignore their inner signals. Over many years, these individuals will become oblivious to what they are feeling. To be able to share yourself deeply you must know what you’re feeling. It is vital that you understand yourself in order to develop the capability to be an equal partner in a satisfying, verbally intimate relationship.

You must have a desire to know each other. We all know certain individuals that seem fixated on themselves. These narcissists may momentarily ask an inane question about you and your life, but they quickly direct the conversation back to their accomplishments. This tendency is also often a result of a childhood imbalance.

If they grew up in a home where no one really seemed interested in them, they may have developed into adults that love to talk about themselves.  They constantly seem to be in the ‘me’ box. When you meet someone who has a great desire to sit and actively listen to you talk about yourself, this is an excellent sign that this person may well be a promising partner in the development of verbal intimacy.

You must make space for verbal intimacy. Dr. Warren explains that he is sure that verbal intimacy is most likely to flourish when “stress is low, relaxation is high, and the phone is off.” No one needs to be reminded about how cell phones, pagers, and computers have made it easier for us to carry work home and elsewhere. Time that used to be personal time by default can now be turned into work time.

For verbal intimacy to grow, the frantic pace of our lives must be slowed. We must make time for long walks and quiet dinners. Sometimes we feel guilty for making this space in our schedules, but no relationship can become a brilliant one without a dedication to the verbal intimacy concept.

A relationship can start without verbal intimacy. It can continue for months and sometimes years without either partner giving time or consideration to its benefits. However, over time almost every relationship will go flat - that is, lose its spontaneous excitement, unless both partners commit to enhancing their verbal intimacy.

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Anger and guilt can often be a key source of adjustment difficulties in the process of grief. Guilt can inhibit the grief process if mourners are unable to confront the guilt that arises when reflecting on their life with the person that died. Guilt may encourage the mourner to be anxious or afraid of their grief because it may surface negative feelings or acts they have directed to the bereaved.

It is also common for individuals going through grief to experience feelings of anger. Anger may be due to feelings of frustration and a sense of helplessness that may end up being directed at either the deceased or deflected onto others. If the anger is not directed at the deceased and it is not displaced onto someone else, the anger may be turned inward and manifest as depression (Worden, 2005).

The difficulties associated with unresolved grief have also been attributed to a previous insecure attachment to the deceased. Insecure attachments of any kind can encourage distorted perspectives on the meaning of the relationship thereby complicating grief as the mourner grieves from a distorted perspective of the deceased and the meaning they have given to the relationship.

Due to the insecure attachment, the mourner may be afraid to grieve in order to avoid the distorted perceptions of what has been lost and the accompanying feelings of intense helplessness, fear of loneliness and other related overwhelming feelings that can often surround the loss of an insecure attachment figure. 

One overwhelming feeling often experienced with such cases is a deep sense of abandonment within those who have lost their insecure attachment figure. It is such feelings of abandonment that could have some individuals reluctant to grieve because the grieving reawakens the painful and very profound sense of being left all alone to fend for them selves in the world.

Multiple losses can also hinder the normal grieving process. Those who experience multiple losses over a short period of time may experience difficulty in grieving because the combined losses are too overwhelming to contemplate and deal with all at once. 

People with severe ego impairments (e.g. personality disorders) are often unable to adequately complete the grief process. Such people may have difficulty successfully engaging normal grief processes and instead experience feelings of intense hopelessness, frustration, anxiety and depression resulting in complicated grief (Williamson & Shneidman, 1995; Freeman, 2005).

For example, individuals who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder may have difficulty in mastering the grieving tasks before them as they may not be able to fully understand and express their emotions accurately or appropriately. It is common for some individuals to deny themselves the opportunity to grieve because of their beliefs about what it means to grieve.

For example, some individuals may deny themselves the opportunity to experience the full extent of their grief because they may fear losing control or may perceive such intense emotional expression as “weak”. Others may not want to give up the pain of the loss because they believe it binds them closer to the deceased resulting in chronic grief. Those individuals with a history of depression are also at risk of developing complicated grief (Mitchell, 1999). 

Such issues, and others, that may interfere with the normal grief process need to be addressed for the individual to successfully work through it.

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