Fighting Shopping Binges

Worried partner writes… “My partner and I are both hard workers and have decided to save our money to buy a house before having children. However every time I check our savings there are more withdrawals and our nest egg is slowly vanishing. My partner readily concedes that they are the source of these withdrawals, as they sometimes “borrow” a little money whenever they go shopping.

They defend them self by pointing out that they do not shop that often and are not a chronic spender, but are only occasionally subject to spending binges which may blow the budget. They easily rationalise every purchase as being valid and purposeful. Admittedly they are not an every day, ‘mad’ spender, but if these binges don’t stop we may never be able to purchase our home, and I don’t know how I would feel about that!”

CONFRONT THE PROBLEM

Communicate Respectfully

Whether you have talked to your partner as yet or this will be the first time addressing them about your concerns, how you communicate will directly contribute to a positive or negative outcome. So as you begin to present your observations, express your feelings and ask questions, make every effort to avoid such barriers as: blaming, accusing, judging, mind reading and name calling. These will certainly not create an atmosphere in which your partner will feel safe and supported in talking about their problem.

Emotions may be strong but nothing is to be gained by verbally abusing your partner. What is to be communicated is a deep regard, an aura of care and a respect for your relationship. The words you choose; your tone of voice; your facial expressions and your body language all communicate these qualities, and will enable you and your partner to gain an understanding of the problem, and collaboratively find a way to address it.

How serious are these spending binges?

The first point to consider is the extent of your partner’s shopping binges. Are they as your partner claims rare occasions in which they may shop more than normal but always sensibly? Or on closer examination are they really more frequent, spontaneous and uncontrollable? Is your partner an irregular binger who with a little help could learn to control their spending? Or have they crossed the line to become a compulsive, unstoppable shopper?

If you think your partner’s behaviour sits in the latter category and their obsession is escalating and verging on destructive consequences, professional help offered by a psychologist or a psychiatrist may be the way to go.

However it may be that your partner has just taken their first steps down this dangerous path of excessive shopping, and that together you can come up with some strategies to stop this behaviour, so that money only flows into your savings account leading to the eventual purchase of your own home.

Get to Know the Problem

Although you are not a professional in this area you can still gain some insights into your partner’s growing shopping addiction. Your partner’s answers to some serious questions can help you define and understand the problem, and help determine what actions can be taken to eradicate it. It would be quite interesting to know when this shopping behaviour began. Was it something your partner always displayed and you really never noticed, or is it a more recent behaviour and perhaps can be attributed to changes in your partner’s life? If recent your partner’s shopping binges may be pointing the finger at some personal or relationship issue.

Is it possible that this decision to save for a house has put some undue pressure on your partner, and has triggered some underlying fears they may have? What does a house purchase mean to them? Can they cope with changes that a house may bring? Are their fear driven behaviours a way to call halt to the whole process? Does your partner want to sabotage the house purchase? Or do they simply get a buzz from binge shopping?

It may be possible that your partner is frustrated by working hard and being deprived of some of the pleasures that shopping can purchase. Or your partner may feel neglected as they see your only focus and interest is on saving for a house. They may want more attention from you, and with their inappropriate behaviours they have got it. What has been considered above is only hypothetical. As you discuss your partner’s behaviour you may gain more clarity as to their motivation. And if the issues raised are not too severe you and your partner might be able to work together to abate fears and to introduce strategies to change the actual behaviour itself.

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Source: www.zahava.com.au