Valentine’s Special Post, Part 2

How was your Valentine’s Day?

Due to the popularity and high-rates of response from the previous post, we’ve decided to publish some additional notes on intimacy. After all – it is all about keeping your intimacy alive and running.

Intimacy in a relationship has to be a conscious choice on a daily basis. It cannot be placed in a corner to be attended to when you have more time. Healthy relationships imply a continual re-commitment to and renewal of the relationship, and a constant freshness. Intimacy is also something that must be re-created from moment to moment within the relationship.

Often taking the time to really think about an issue creates revelations for both partners. Take the following quiz to see how intimacy stands in your relationship – and where you might like it to be.

The Intimacy Quiz - How intimate is your relationship?

1. What five behaviours, things, events or interactions represent intimacy for you?
2. What five things represent intimacy for your partner?
3. What was the most intimate aspect of your relationship in its earliest days?
4. What is the most intimate aspect of your current relationship?
5. In terms of intimacy in your relationship, what has changed, and why?
6. What five activities can you do to keep or re-introduce intimacy in your relationship?

The Elusive Dance

“While the one eludes,” wrote the poet Robert Browning, “must the other pursue.” The novelist, John Fowles, described relationships as two pendulums swinging in the same plane. When they swing together there is a maximum of comfort and a minimum of passion. Passion results when they collide, swing apart, and collide once again, as long as the pendulums don’t swing apart so violently that their connection breaks and they fly off in opposite directions. Browning and Fowles are describing a delicate “dance” between partners, a rhythm beneath the relationship.

The Drawing Closer Quiz

1. In what ways do you draw your partner close, and consciously try to attract your partner? Think of four things you do to draw your partner closer.
2. What things do you do that push your partner away? Think of 4 things you do to move away from your partner.
3. Do you move in harmony, or are you constantly moving in opposite directions – when one of you is moving closer, is the other moving away?
4. What are 3 things that your partner does to draw you in?
5. What 3 things keep you away?

Obstacles to Establishing Intimacy in a Relationship

Communication – a person can enter a relationship with some mistaken notions about just what intimacy is, or misjudge the needs or the thoughts of the other person in the relationship. Communication or the lack of communication would be one of the main barriers to the foundation of an intimate relationship.

Time – intimacy takes time to develop and a person who is not willing to allow for time for an intimate relationship to occur will not be able to develop that kind of relationship.

Awareness – it is necessary for a person to be aware of him or herself and to realise what he/she has to share with another person. People who are not aware of themselves frequently are not able to be aware of other people, at least not in terms of the potentially intimate aspects of the other person.

Shyness – reluctance to share oneself with another person can keep an intimate relationship from developing.

Game Playing – people who act in stereotypical roles or try to play certain kinds of games, even if they’re intimate-appearing games (such as romantic games) cannot develop an intimate relationship with someone else simply because they are not being themselves. Game playing can be a detriment to the development of intimacy and can develop only when two people are being him/or herself in a significant way with another person.

Difficulties in Achieving Intimacy

There are many reasons why some people find it difficult to achieve intimacy in their relationship. This is commonly the result of problems such as:

1. Lack of communication
2. Financial problems
3. Work or family pressures
4. Negative childhood experiences
5. Past and current traumas.

We all have some barriers to intimacy. The inability to develop trust in one another, a chronic sense of insecurity, fear of failure or fear of being vulnerable to being hurt are right at the top of the list when it comes to discussing barriers to intimacy. Sometimes there is a need to overcome an inability to taking risks or an inability to let go of hurts and fears from previous relationships.

All sorts of fears can get in the way of intimacy – fears such as a fear of losing the other in death or some other tragic circumstance or a fear of rejection can loom large in some people and need to be addressed. Anger, hostility, resentment, defensiveness and conflict all need to be dealt with before a deep and meaningful intimacy can occur.

A lack of role models, particularly from each partner’s family of origin, can create a huge barrier to attaining a connection of the soul and heart.

Other barriers can be:

1. Inability to accept one’s own responsibility in developing intimacy in the relationship
2. Poor problem solving between the partners
3. Power struggles between the parties for control of the relationship
4. Competition between the parties
5. Blaming each other for problems in the relationship
6. Fear of being too exposed or being found out for whom you “really are”
7. Fear of claustrophobia or being smothered in the relationship
8. Desire to be left alone, isolated, and ignored
9. Mental or physical health problems that impede the relationship’s growth
10. Fear of loss of identity
11. Inability to show affection, tenderness, or caring
12. Inability to be open, honest, and forthright
13. Being in denial about needing help

Are you now intimate with this topic?

One Response to “Valentine’s Special Post, Part 2”

Author comments are in a darker gray color for you to easily identify the posts author in the comments

1. Dr. Karen Sherman says:

   February 29, 2008 at 12:07 am

   Interestingly, conflicts – which are inevitable in any relationship – can actually bring you closer together as a couple. If handled correctly, they can make you more intimate. As a relationships expert, I offer a free teleseminar, “The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship.”

   To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources. 

   Reply