According to Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day is “a holiday celebrated on February 14. It is also the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine’s cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The holiday is named after two among the numerous Early Christian martyrs named Valentine.”

Valentine’s Day became associated with romantic love in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. Courtly love promoted the idea of romance and it included particular concepts which were unique to a man/woman relationship. Such love was considered as a challenge and virtue by knights.

There’s no better day to talk about love and look into improving your relationship then today, right? That’s what we have in mind - and to assist all lovers out there, this post will tackle an imperative aspect of any meaningful relationship: intimacy.

Eric Fromm once said that “love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence”; if that is a valid premise, then we hope the following information will make your existence a more delightful one.

PART 1: Relationships and Intimacy

There are times in all relationships when things are not smooth, issues arise that need to be addressed and intimacy in the relationship becomes flat and stale. Often this is because people have conflicting expectations, are distracted with other issues, or have difficulty expressing what is on their minds in ways that other people can really hear and understand. Intimacy is often the first thing to be pushed aside when there is conflict and sometimes the partners in the relationship just don’t know what to do to make the relationship more intimate again.

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel connected in a deep spiritual way with your partner. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non-punitive and peaceful; where you can feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being alive. You feel part of something incredibly special in such a relationship and aloneness or loneliness never becomes an issue.

You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offences and you find yourself giving thanks for just being able to share your life with this chosen person.

A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness and you experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other. People’s feelings and the processes of the relationship come before material achievements and money. This type of relationship encourages your personal growth, supports your individuality and does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another.

PART 2: How Badly Do You Want Intimacy?

A story was told at an all women meeting where one of the participants wistfully spoke of the elk. According to this woman, the female elks live and raise their young in the company of other female elks. The male elks come around once a year; the females pick out the best males, mate, and then separate for the rest of the year.

This woman was envious of this arrangement and suggested that humans might be better off to emulate the elk’s ways. However, it is easy to observe from that story that if we, as humans, emulated the elk, the people with whom we would have intimate relationships would be kept at a distance. It is impossible for emotional distance and intimacy to co-exist!

This is not an issue of gender or sexual preference but rather an issue of intimacy within relationship. Intimate relationships, whether between sexual partners, close friends or family members, are opportunities for spiritual growth and personal healing.

If we find that we are putting distance between ourselves and anyone we are intimate with, then one of two things may be happening: either fear of one kind or another is present or the dynamics are changing between the two of you and you begin growing in different directions, causing emotional separation.

Often people talk about being in disconnected relationships and having disconnected sex. Disconnected sex does not bring intimacy. It only provides a temporary mask which covers up the challenges. It is a point to notice that many people are searching for a connection of the heart and soul and they often turn to sex enhancing drugs as a way of trying to bring more intimacy into the relationship - that intimacy that is missing or has evaporated over many years of marriage or relationship.

Intimacy is not something that you can fix with a drug. It takes two people truly interested and willing to work towards a deep spiritual and emotional connection of the heart and soul.

Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul, talks about the new species of human that is being born today. We’re no longer here for physical survival as our ancestors, but rather for a spiritual awakening.

This spiritual awakening is happening in great numbers because people desire to live more consciously and authentically in alignment with who they really are. Intimate relationships or spiritual partnerships are helping people to do this. Most of us spend our whole lives, consciously or unconsciously, trying to find our connection with Spirit. This is the same connection that we feel in a deep union with another person.

If there is distance between two people and they want an intimate connection, there’s only one way - and that is to tackle the core issues that they fear may destroy the relationship.

Kenny Loggins, in his book The Unimaginable Life, asked the question – “How badly do you want an intimate relationship?” Do you want distance and separation like the elk or do you want a deep spiritual connection? The choice is up to you.

PART 3: The Meaning of Intimacy

Intimacy is a journey – it is not a tangible thing. It takes place over time, is ever-changing and is not stagnant. In fact, any kind of stagnation in a relationship kills intimacy.

Intimacy can also take many forms. One form of intimacy is cognitive or intellectual intimacy where two people exchange thoughts, share ideas and enjoy similarities and differences between their opinions. If they can do this in an open and comfortable way, they can become quite intimate in an intellectual area.

A second form of intimacy is experiential intimacy where people get together to actively involve themselves with each other in mutual activities. This can range from a couple to a group of many people and doesn’t always involve talking or sharing but may just include activities – for example, a group of women all working together on a quilt.

A third form of intimacy is emotional intimacy where two persons can comfortably share their feelings with each other or when they empathise with the feelings of the other person, really trying to understand and trying to be aware of the other person’s emotional side.

A fourth form of intimacy is sexual intimacy. This is the stereotypical definition of intimacy that most people are familiar with. However, this form of intimacy includes a broad range of sensuous activity and is much more than just sexual intercourse. It is any form of sensual expression with each other. Therefore, intimacy can be many things for different people at different times.

Intimacy with another person can be seen as the:

• Unmasking of yourself in order to make yourself vulnerable in a trusting, loving, secure relationship.
• Sense that you have a special, unique, and distinct bond joining you and another person.
• Sense of closeness and proximity or oneness and unity.
• Sharing of tenderness, caring, and affection.
• Sharing of secrets, hidden feelings, and private thoughts.
• Free will offering and receiving of each other.
• Sense of being in a non-punitive, non-abusive and non-manipulative environment.
• Mutual respect, recognition, and approval of each other’s need to be a sexual being. In a marital relationship this shared sexuality ultimately results in loving sexual intercourse.

PART 4: Recognising Intimacy in a Relationship

Continuous, honest communication and contact with one another exists even if the contact is not in person but is by phone, email, or some other form. A mutual task to carry out is willingly shared, discussed, and enjoyed together. An affinity or attraction to one another exists to the exclusion of others.

The company of one another is sought even when you both have a wide selection of other individuals from which to choose. A sixth sense or other extra sensory facility develops with which you can communicate at a non-verbal level, with no need for words to clutter or detract from the communication. A sense of humour or sense of play and casualness develops in which you enjoy “give and take” and are relaxed in each other’s company.

A protective sense of privacy and guardedness about your relationship exists; it is not subjected to public scrutiny, criticism, or judgment. The relationship is a productive enterprise resulting in mutual satisfaction, reward, and reinforcement for each other.

The relationship has a purpose, direction, and order to it that is reasonable, realistic, and healthy for both of you. A firm commitment, agreement, or contract exists with each other to be mutually supportive, understanding, and accepting of one another.

PART 5: Seven Ways to Improve Your Intimacy

Good relationships don’t just happen. Many people have the attitude that, “If I have to work at it, then it can’t be the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

There are choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

1. Accept personal responsibility

It may not seem like it, but this is an incredibly important choice that you can make to improve intimacy in your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs and refuse to blame your partner for not making you feel happy and secure. It means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self judgment.

Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how loving your partner is. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for the feelings of rejection you may experience when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, or not turned on sexually, you would explore your own feelings discover how you might be rejecting yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness. Since blaming your partner for your own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

2. Compassion, understanding and acceptance

Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion, intimacy, understanding, and acceptance. Relationships thrive when both people treat each other with a deep intimacy. While there are no guarantees, sowing intimacy often reaps intimacy in return.

If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself, and loving to the other, rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself.

Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. Seek further help such as counselling or coaching if your partner is still not able to treat you with kindness, or as a very last resort you may need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change – you can only change yourself!

3. Be open to learning

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can become open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behaviour.

We’ve all learnt many subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, care taking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. None of these promotes healthy intimacy within the relationship and in fact they create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of controlling is a vital part of improving intimacy in your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behaviour. But if you choose to learn about your fears instead of attempting to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.

4. Make sure you have regular dates

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, life happens in all its busyness. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play and make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

5. Gratitude instead of complaints

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an “attitude of gratitude.” Constant complaints create a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practise being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace. Gratitude creates not only intimate, emotional relationship health, but physical health as well.

6. Fun

We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.” And so too does work without play make for dull relationships. Relationships thrive when people laugh together, play together, and when humour is a part of everyday life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

7. Service

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the soul and makes the heart sing. Serving moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!

Editor’s Note: That’s officially our longest post ever! If you’ve enjoyed these tips and strategies, don’t forget to show your love and leave your comments behind. And have a happy Valentine’s Day!

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2008 at 10:10 am and is filed under Special Reports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.