Lack of communication

This is a common problem and the one that probably needs most attention. One partner or sometimes both simply don’t know how to put into words what they feel. They may have grown up in a family where personal feelings were never shared openly, and so they lack the confidence to be open with their partner for fear of looking silly or being rejected.

Enhancing Communication

When problems arise in relationships, it is often as a result of poor communication. In order to communicate our desires and needs to our partner, we need a healthy sense of our own identity. A successful relationship is dependent upon there being two individuals with a strong sense of self and clearly defined, healthy, personal boundaries. An appreciation of our own qualities enables us to see and value them in another and increases our capacity for intimacy and commitment.

Increasing our understanding of who we are and how we have developed as well as learning practical skills in communication and problem solving, can lead to more satisfying and harmonious relationships, and to personal fulfillment. There are some basic principles that are worth following if we want to have good communication with our partner.

• Be clear about what you want to communicate - if you don’t know, they won’t either
• Use “I” statements, stating what you want or feel rather than making “you” statements about your partner
• Don’t blame or label your partner
• Choose a time when you have their attention and there are no distractions
• Take time to listen to what your partner is saying and resist the temptation to interrupt
• If you are unclear or upset about what they have said, check for accuracy before you respond
• Be encouraging and supportive
• Be willing to negotiate

Unresolved emotional differences

These can put a very firm brake on the development of communication and intimacy in a relationship. Anger, hurt or resentment of one partner by the other, along with a lack of trust or a sense of not being appreciated by their partner, are examples.

Practical difficulties
These can reduce the level of intimacy in some relationships at different times. Examples might be financial concerns, pressures at work, difficulties with children, or just being too busy to really connect with each other.

Childhood experiences
These are often at the root of some people’s difficulty establishing intimacy. A person who has experienced a great deal of hurt as a child will often find it hard as an adult to trust their partner, however much they may be in love. Examples of childhood pain that affects adult relationships include long-term conflict between parents, physical or sexual abuse, or a loss or death that was never properly accepted and grieved.

Such experiences can lead to a child having poor self-esteem, a basic doubt about whether or not he or she is worthy of love. These doubts can be carried into adulthood, making it very difficult for the person to open up to someone else in case they are rejected and their doubts are confirmed. Intimacy does not happen by magic. It must be built up over time.

This takes some people longer than for others. Often the harder you work at intimacy, the more valuable and rewarding it is. The following are some steps that may help.

• Be positive about what you have in your relationship and let your partner know what you value about him/her and about the relationship.
• Put it into words, don’t assume they already know. Everybody likes to be told that they are appreciated and loved.
• Create opportunities for intimacy - times when you can be alone together in a situation where you can focus on each other and on your relationship. The harder it is to do this because of the children, work or other commitments, the more important it is that you do it! Try to plan a regular evening, day or weekend for the two of you to be alone.
• Practise making “I” statements about how you feel. This avoids putting your partner on the spot, and may help him or her do the same. For example “I feel hurt you didn’t ask me before you decided” instead of “Why didn’t you ask me first?” After an argument look at the deeper feeling behind the anger, hurt, anxiety, or sense of being let down. Talk to your partner about these feelings.

Achieving intimacy is not always easy, and sometimes help is needed. Try doing a course or workshop for couples. There are many courses available that combine activities couples complete together with opportunities to discuss important issues about their relationship.

Letting Go and Moving On

For some of us, our best efforts are not enough, and our relationship comes to an end. Rebuilding your life after a relationship has ended can be a painful and challenging process. The end of a relationship can result in disruption to the extent that we need to create a whole new way of life - often with a different place to live and with different relationships with family and friends. Finding our feet in these circumstances can be very difficult indeed.

Not Repeating the Old Patterns

Each of us is unique. We have learned how to be who we are through the particular circumstances of our family, and the society in which we live. Unfortunately, some of our early conditioning may result in us having feelings and behaviours that no longer serve us well, reduce our capacity for spontaneity and individuality, and our ability to relate well. Low self-esteem, poor personal boundaries, difficulties with intimacy, and feelings of shame and guilt impede our capacity to relate.

Letting go of this negative conditioning is possible. We tend to hang on fondly to old patterns of being and relating, fearing change or of being confronted with aspects of our personalities we prefer to keep at the blurry edges of our awareness. Whilst dipping into the unknown can be anxiety-provoking, it can also be exciting and enlivening, opening up possibilities only previously dreamed of. Consider embarking on a journey toward something better.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 29th, 2007 at 9:50 am and is filed under Life Coping Skills. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.