Love is a particular kind of need and expectation in a relationship. For many people approaching marriage, love will be the foundation of their entire future together. Committed and passionate love is an important predictor of a relationships success and satisfaction (Hecht et al., 1994).

The relationship between passionate and erotic love and satisfaction, along with the relationship between companionate love, friendship and satisfaction, are correlations that remain constant across all age groups in major studies (Hendrick & Hendrick 2001). Cross cultural studies can also find evidence of the importance of passionate love in marital satisfaction (Contreras, Hendrick & Hendrick, 1996).

A counsellor or a keen observer of human life will soon observe that many relationships break down due to a perception by a person that they are not loved. For some people this can be analyzed and broken down into issues of various needs not being met. Others resist this kind of analysis and insist that love is a somewhat ethereal force that should simply exist in their relationship and make everything “go right”. 

Yet this tendency in our society to romanticize and mythologize love is almost certainly behind a great many divorces, as the practicalities and realities of life can so often catch up with people and bring a relationship crashing down. A counsellor should therefore approach any form of relationship counselling with some serious consideration of the theme of love.

Love as a motivation for marriage is relatively new. It is beyond the scope of this course to consider the full historical and sociological background of motivations for marriage. Let us just say that there has been a shift away from earlier practical considerations of the union of two people largely through the greater economic freedom of individuals and of women in particular, as well as shift in the concept of gender roles and expectations.

A result of these and other factors has seen a blossoming of the role of love in marital selection. The continuation of marriage has also become more reliant on the idea of love that is ongoing and that contributes in an intrinsic way to the rewards of being in a relationship. By its nature, this shift in focus away from the necessities of life towards a life that is ‘right’ in ways other than practical, is as much an invitation for new types of conflict as it is a movement towards more satisfying relationships.

As stated, love is a complex issue and there is a vast amount of research that could be drawn on by any relationships counsellor. For the purposes of a pre marital counsellor, it may be enough to consult individuals about their perceptions and personal definitions of love. Love can be viewed as a construct, an expression of something that is highly subjective, comprised of feelings, thoughts and behaviours (Hecht et al., 1994). 

To achieve happiness in terms of their concept of being loved and loving another, it will be helpful to help the couple to align their ideals with their behaviour, their thoughts with their actions. Another way of expressing this is to say that in terms of a triangle of Be Do and Have of a relationship, if wanting to be loved and having someone to love is the Have, then we can ask people about what sort of partner they will Be and what will they Do to create that ideal.

Much work has been done on the basic concept of Sternberg: that love can progress through stages of passion and infatuation to genuine intimacy, commitment and companionate love (Sternberg & Grajek, 1984). The key element of this is ensuring that couples in the passionate stage of their love understand that the passion may wane and could need, for their relationship to continue, to mature into a more companionate form of love.

We can expect, based on studies, that the love felt and expressed by men will often be different to the concept of love experienced by women. For example, men may have a greater tendency towards romantic and passionate love, defined by sexual urgency, physical attraction and romantic ideals. Women may tend towards a more practical type of love based on friendship and mutual support.

Furthermore, they may tend to look for a partner they can admire and respect (Hatkoff & Lasswell, 1979). Within these gender differences we can expect to find individual differences based on personality, life experience, family of origin experiences and so on.

The psychologist John Alan Lee suggested that there are six styles of loving none of which are gender specific; Eros (passionate, intense, committed) Agape (altruistic, giving more than receiving) Ludus (game playing, playful but insular) Storge (friendship and companionship) Mania (fixated, possessive love) Pragma (practical, rational love). A person can exhibit more than one style but will often tend towards one dominant style.

In research to support his hypothesis, the Eros and Storge love styles have been the most important positive predictors of relationships, while the Ludus style is statistically correlated with relationship brevity and dissatisfaction (Hendrick, et al, 1988). A counsellor might consider these styles and see if the expression of love between the couple is different enough to be a source of conflict. Again, it may be enough to help the couple to know that this is so; that there expressions of love may be different and may require some adjustment of perception to be fully appreciated.

Many couples will brush off the need for counselling in this area, saying that all they need to know is that they love each other. And with the vast number of studies of romantic love and the many theories and models proposed, it may be difficult to know how to proceed.  It may be important however, to at least raise the issue with them and discuss it, however lightly, to see that they do have some alignment in this area.

This may not be possible in terms of their conceptualization of love, but it may be possible and desirable to reach a level of agreement in how they express love and how they will be mutually assured that they do love each other. 

Other than that, as it is known from some very broad studies that committed love is associated with an intimate sharing of ideas and information, understanding, shared personal growth, reciprocal emotional support and reciprocal help (Sternberg & Grajek, 1984) it would seem that anything a counsellor can do to enhance a couple’s communication with one another will go a long way towards nurturing their relationship.
 
Here are some suggested questions to ask the couple:

1. The idea here is to find any underlying expectations on the subject of love, and to have a dialogue towards greater understanding and appreciation of the possible changes over time of the love in their relationship.
2. What does it mean to you to ‘love’ someone, or to ‘be in love’ with someone?
3. Will love change over time?
4. What will cause love to change?
5. Can you cause yourself to change your feelings of love?
6. What is it that you do in your relationship now to show that you love your partner?
7. How will you know that your partner loves you in the future?
8. Is there something that they do or that they might do, that shows or might show in the future that they don’t love you?
9. Is there anything you do now, or that you might do, that would make them think that you don’t love them?
10. What does someone need to be to love you? (Patient, kind, understanding, etc)
11. What do you need to be to love your partner?

For more published posts and articles on love, refer to the following links : Valentine’s Special Post, Part 1; Valentine’s Special Post, Part 2; Inside Love.

Separate to the issue of needs and wants, a counsellor may find that clients are expressing unrealistic notions about married life. Strong correlations have been found between certain unrealistic notions that are believed or maintained by married people and their levels of marital dissatisfaction (Tysoe, 1994). It is worth looking at some of these areas and being prepared for them when they arise. The areas that have found specifically to correlate with marital dissatisfaction are:

1. Disagreement is destructive. This is the idea that a married couple should not disagree and if they do they should not express their disagreements.
2. People should ‘know’ what their partner needs and wants and they should not need to ask.
3. People cannot change; we are they way we are.
4. Sexual performance levels must be spectacularly high, if not perfect.

There are other areas of expectation that can cause trouble and disappointment in marriages, largely because they are areas of great assumption and few couples take the time to sit down and talk them through.  They tend to be expectations about the home, about money, about work, about health and food, family and children, community and friends and about spiritual life (Piver, 2004).

Based on these areas, there are numerous questions a counsellor might consider putting to their clients. What sort of home do they imagine living in? Where is this home to be located? Who should look after the home? Who will be responsible for bringing money into the household? Do they have enough money to meet current needs? How much will be enough? What is their attitude towards debt?

Are they both able and willing to work?  What about when there are children? How many children are they thinking of having? Are they going to mix with friends, if so who and when will they find the time? Are they going to share mutual activities in the community? What about spirituality? Are there any conflicting beliefs or different attitudes towards worship?

As stated earlier, these are areas that are usually either taken for granted or simply not confronted by people getting married. Bringing them up now may cause some tension and dispute; this is where the therapeutic skills of the counsellor can come into play, to help to negotiate workable agreements and understandings.

Another area that counsellors should consider, and which they will have some idea about from the initial interview with the couple, is in regard to motivations for marriage. De Angelis (1992) talks about seven reasons for getting married that may need to be seriously reconsidered.

Pressure from family and friends or due to societal ‘norms’. This could include the idea that one must be married by a certain age or be considered ‘over the hill’. Fear of being alone later in life will sometimes be part of this feeling of pressure. Family can also be a source of pressure, such as parents giving their offspring the idea that they must give them grandchildren

Loneliness and desperation. People may want to fill the emptiness of their life with someone. This can include trying to fill an emotional void, covering up old emotional wounds, or filling a spiritual void of lack of meaning and purpose in life.

Sexual hunger. People often joke that getting married is a way of having sex ‘on tap’ all the time. For some the urge to have a regular sexual partner may be so strong that they will convince themselves that they have feelings for someone that will last for the rest of their lives.

Distraction from life. Some people may have a history of going from one relationship to another. Their relationships may take up a lot of time in their life and may actually get in the way of them sorting out essential issues in their life.

To avoid growing up or becoming independent. The world can seem to be a tough place and people may turn to the idea of depending on someone else for their survival, rather than trying to make it on their own. The warning signs here might be where there is a big age difference between the two or a gap in their levels of financial or personal success and resources.

Guilt. Quite simply this is the marriage that occurs because one person could not bring himself or herself to tell the other that the relationship was not what they wanted. Over time, family and friends also become part of the picture and it can take a lot of courage to be able to go against the flow and decide that the relationship should not be made permanent after all.

The counsellor can be alert here to a person in the relationship who does not seem to be asserting his or her needs, who seems to be acquiescing to the other too often, and who perhaps has a history of difficulty in saying no to the needs of others.

Demartini (2007) and De Angelis (1992) in their consultancy work with couples have noted a number of other beliefs held by couples that could be considered to be dysfunctional.

1. A new relationship will provide happiness, with little or no effort needed.
2. Completeness is possible and only possible with one’s soul mate.
3. This relationship will last forever.
4. Marriage will bring to an end the troubles that may have existed thus far in life.
5. Self abnegation and self sacrifice are necessary parts of a relationship.

Finally, there are a number of other dysfunctional beliefs that can undermine the harmony of relationships. One is that children will ‘complete’ a marriage. This may be true for some, but according to a number of studies the reality for many is that marital satisfaction declines markedly when children arrive (Tysoe, 1994).

The idea that opposites attract is often discarded early in people’s lives. The truth behind the notion is probably that people are seeking, when they look for a life partner, to find someone who complements their own personality by making up for certain deficiencies (Wilson & Nias, 1976).

On a more physiological level, this seems to even relate to people sensing  that complementary genetic strengths could be created should they reproduce with that person (Crenshaw, 1996) , but over time this may explain why many marriages flounder so soon after a couple complete the childrearing phase of their relationship. 

In those cases where a relationship starts to wane after the arrival and raising of children, and given the tendency of passionate motivations to decline over time, a healthy and clear concept of love and the changes in love in a lifetime may help a relationship along considerably.

In 1972 Carl Rogers surveyed the changing marriage scene of his day and said “It is becoming increasingly clear that a man-woman relationship will have permanence only to the degree to which it satisfies the emotional, psychological, intellectual and physical needs of the partners”. 

He went on to quote the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard , saying “The greatest danger , that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, etc., is sure to be noticed”(in Rogers, 1972) .

Accounts of divorce do often read very clearly as accounts of people who somehow lost themselves in the marriage. Today we have come to accept that marriage is a commitment of two unique individuals to a partnership, where they must reach satisfaction on their own terms and where individual happiness and fulfillment are not to be compromised. But for many, a committed relationship and a prolonged period of living with someone are new experiences, and for these people their wants and needs may not be clear even to themselves.

Should this seem evident from the introductory interview, a counsellor can get down to the business of helping them to gain better knowledge of themselves and their needs and expectations of each other, and how they are going to work together to achieve mutual cooperation and fulfillment.

Dr Willard F. Harley is a marriage counsellor and author in the United States who has studied the needs of men and women for many years. He has summarised those needs and placed them in the general perceived order of importance of his clients as follows:

Women’s Needs | Men’s Needs 

Affection | Sexual fulfilment

Conversation | Recreational companionship

Honesty and openness | An attractive spouse

Financial support | Domestic support

Family commitment | Admiration 

Of course, he concedes that these needs are not the same for everyone, and there are many people who will nominate something on the list of their opposite gender. However, his experience with thousands of people tells him that these do tend to be the deepest needs for men and for women, as stated.

Furthermore he says that when these needs are not met, extramarital affairs, dismay, unhappiness and divorce are the common outcomes. Harley also tells us that people tend to give what they themselves need (Harley, 1994). A counsellor’s negotiating skills are going to be useful, therefore, in nurturing and establishing a relationship that is based on couples mutually recognizing their partners’ needs and trying to develop new routines and habits to be able to meet them.

We know that disparity in sexual needs and fulfilment is a major source of trouble in marriages (Tysoe, 1992; Argyle and Henderson, 1990). So a counsellor should be alert to differences in experience and expectations between the two prospective partners. The fact that men and women experience a different sexual pattern in terms of arousal, plateau, climax and recovery is something that may need to be covered. A common issue raised in couples counselling is that men often feel drowsy or detached after sex while women feel a strong need for continued affection.

Sex is one area where an established session routine of seeing the couple separately at times can be very handy, as it may be that one or both of the clients will want to say something about themselves that they feel in some way shy or inhibited about. There is a well documented difference in the need for affection experienced by women and the strong need for sex in men, and the conflict that these needs can generate in a relationship (Harley, 1994; Tysoe, 1992). Men should realize that an atmosphere of affection can put women in the mood for sex, but the absence of affection combined with regular demands for sex will very quickly drive the two apart. As Harley puts it, affection is the environment, while sex is an event.

Harley also introduces the idea of a Love Bank. The essence of this is that if people have more positive associations in being with each other than they have negative associations, they will tend to feel that they want to be with each other more.

This is similar to the approach of American social psychologist Caryl Rusbult who proposes that relationship satisfaction is based on the rewards versus the penalties that people are getting from one another (Rusbult, 1983). Both ideas have merit and both rely largely on couples providing pleasure and satisfaction to each other by meeting each others needs. 

To achieve a ‘satisfactory outcome’ a counsellor will need to establish a goal with the clients at the outset of counselling, but the goals will generally fall into one of three categories:

1. For those that are very certain about getting married, giving them the understanding and the tools necessary to be able to negotiate the road ahead.
2. Helping those that are uncertain to have more certainty about getting married. Time permitting they might also receive some help in preparing for what lies ahead.
3. Helping the couple to come to the realization that they are not meant for each other, or that the time is not right for marriage. The counsellor is here partly acting as a catalyst, speeding up the reactions that might otherwise take months or years to come to light.

Marriage is a commitment, but one should keep in mind that there are different types of commitment in marriage. There is the fear of the social, financial and emotional costs of ending a marriage. There is a commitment based on the idea of the importance of the social institution of marriage. These commitments have their own relevance according to what individuals feel is important to them. Ideally, however, we are seeking a commitment that is based on attraction, devotion, satisfaction and love (Adams and Jones, 1997).

Couples who are in a lasting marriage are found to be more accommodating towards each other and more tolerant of each other’s faults, they are also found to be better and more consistent in communicating and problem solving, including the way they handle conflict (Adams and Jones, 1997). Therefore a counsellor can look at helping a couple to be ‘accommodating’ in the sense of developing realistic goals and expectations of marriage and their marital partner. The counsellor can also consider helping the couple to be better communicators and also better at handling the conflicts that will inevitably arise.

As stated earlier, it should be kept in mind that is it not necessary to apply every step to each and every client. It is best to get some preliminary information and then tailor an approach to the clients. Another suggestion is that sessions should be kept light if possible and a spirit of fun maintained in the counselling, where this is relevant. Normally one will be talking to two people who are very excited about what lies ahead and they will not want to delve too deeply or heavily into all sorts of life issues. Part of the adventure of marriage is the unknown and it will not be possible to cover all bases and all possible eventualities.

In other words the counsellor should not try to be the ‘be all and end all’ to the clients with this counselling. The counselling may only last a few sessions. Whatever the outcome,  counsellors should endeavour to have our clients leave with a better understanding of who they are, what they want in life and how to go about achieving that.

Get an Overview

A general interview should be done at the beginning of the counselling. This is a way of getting to know the individual needs of the couple and something of their history. Then an approach can be tailored to suit them. One of the decisions a counsellor needs to make is to what extent they will be seen as individuals and to what extent they should be seen together. It is recommended that early on in the counselling they are both seen separately.

The reasons for this may be obvious. A counsellor may need to be a bridge between the two at times and there may be issues that some people are sensitive about discussing in front of their partner. A counsellor may also find that they have to deal with an individual’s very unique and personal problems, something that may require individual attention. If the couple are seen separately early on in the counselling it will not seem unusual or ‘conspiratorial’ if they need to be seen separately later on. So the approach could go something like this:

1. Interview them as a couple.
2. See each of them separately.
3. From then on, vary the sessions between couple and individual.

The first interviews will be an opportunity for a counsellor to make two major lines of enquiry:

What sort of positive issues and negative issues are they bringing into the relationship? As individuals what has been their history? Do they have a traumatic background? If so is their partner ready to deal with this? What sort of family of origin issues are they likely to bring into the relationship?

How are they interacting as a couple, what does their communication and body language tell us? When the couple is interviewed together, it is useful to watch for signs of one person simply going along with what the other one says. It may be opportune to follow up on this, and ask the one who is being ‘agreeable’ if they have needs and opinions they are not stating, as this could be a source of conflict that will arise later on.

One can also watch for signs of latent aggression. Is one showing signs of losing their temper with the other? Is one overtly or covertly putting the other one down? Anything else can be noted, according to the observational skills and experience of the counsellor.

Relationships are necessarily complex. It will be helpful to a counsellor to align and govern their approach with a particular style. There are three usual styles of approach to pre-marital counselling:

Instructive

Pre marriage counselling has previously been very much the province of churches and religious groups. In this traditional approach there was a tendency to ‘instruct’ people and to act as a moral and spiritual advisor to the ‘right’ way of going about a marriage.

Obviously a counsellor is not going to be instructive in the sense of trying to be a moral or spiritual guide for clients. Neither are they going to tell clients how to think or behave. They may however find themselves sharing knowledge they have acquired, using it as a basis for discussion. In this sense couples might be asked to consider books, articles, DVDs and so on and see what opinions and viewpoints are stimulated by this. This can promote a productive exchange of ideas and viewpoints.

Predictive

Prediction in relationships is normally the province of psychologists and sociologists. They consult societal trends while administering questionnaires to clients, gather and analyse the information and then provide feedback as to what these clients can expect in their lives and relationships.

Counsellors will not act in this role, but can draw some useful information from the social scientists. Because relationships are so complex, can gain a measure of preparedness from the research that has been done. And one can consider the research in light of two main questions: What seems to help to bring about a happy marriage? What seems to cause a marriage to break down?

Therapeutic

Approaching pre marital counselling with a certain program of actions in mind will give the counselling a degree of coherence. However, a key to all counselling lies in recognition of the unique nature of clients. In pre marital counselling two unique people have presented themselves who have walked their own path in life, have a distinct personal identity and their own set of hopes, problems and fears as individuals.

A person centred therapeutic approach will therefore be best, by stimulating discussion and asking about the concerns of the couple, by observing their reactions and interactions and by guiding them to form constructive conclusions and resolutions about their future together.

As always with counselling, there will be as many potential situations as there are people, so flexibility and a willingness to attune to individual needs is vital. One is not expected to be an ‘expert’ in relationships, one needs only to be a good listener and something of a guide.

Counsellors will find themselves involved in stimulating conversations about some very precious hopes and some deep seated fears. As with all person centred therapy, there is no need to ‘solve’ anything, but simply to be there with enough compassion and interest to ensure that the conversations are as fruitful and helpful as possible.

This article is part two of the ‘Pre-Marriage Counselling‘ Special Report.